Don't Stop Me Now

Yesterday, I was so happy because of you.

Thank you for being like this, please don't stop being like this.

Even though you are not mine, you are hers.

Sincerely,

the one who regretfully enjoy this guilty pleasure.

jawab aku

Aku bisa! rasanya aku ingin berteriak kepada dunia.

Bisa, aku bisa. Aku bisa berteriak sekeras mungkin.

Kepada mata-mata yang selalu menatap rendah kepadaku.

Aku mungkin tidak cantik, namun dia pun juga tidak. tidak secantik artis hollywood.

Aku mungkin tidak pintar, namun jauh lebih pintar darinya. pintar melupakan masa lalu.

Mungkin aku terdengar sombong, hanya terdengar, bukan sebenarnya.

Lihat aku, aku bukan putri kerajaan, bahkan bukan wanita ideal dimata pria.

Aku hanya sebuah raga yang tersusun dari teks-teks sosial yang mereka ciptakan kepadaku.

Tidak ada yang peduli atas raga ini.

Mungkin dimata orang, dan kamu, aku hanya setumpuk lemak berjalan.

Dengar, aku akan mengatakannya sekali.

Karena sebenarnya tulisan-tulisan ini hanya kumpulan dari alam bawah sadarku.

Masih benar-benar mentah, belum ternodai Superego.

Dengar,

Aku, bisa, rasanya ingin berteriak sekeras mungkin.

Aku bisa membantumu. hanya bisa membantu. aku harap bisa membantu.

Aku bisa, membantu menghilangkan jejak-jejaknya.

Aku bisa, menghapuskan ingatan-ingatanmu tentangnya.

Aku bisa, membuatmu bahagia.

Aku bisa, setia tanpa melihat masa laluku yang bisa dibilang tidak bahagia.

kata-kata alam bawah sadarku ini hanya sebuah ilusi bayangan, tidak akan pernah terjadi.

aku hanya ingin membantumu,

namun diri ini tak pernah terseru dalam benakmu.

untuk kamu,

jawab aku.

Help. ME!!

Padahal itu cuma percakapan sebentar, gak sampai 1 jam. Tapi percakapan kemarin bikin saya --aku, gue, well.. I have a bad bad bad choice of words.. soo.. yea-- kepikiran terus..

Jadi gini.. kemarin di kampus, sebenernya gak ada kelas, tapi I HAVE TO pergi ke kampus buat.. ya well.. lets say, hangout or maybe killing time. Gak sendirian, saya ditemenin sama temen cowo gue --ok, lets just keep using 'gue', sorry if it is bothering you.. I'm not used to call myself as 'saya' -- nah, temen cowo gue yang satu ini, sama-sama gak ada kelas, so we decided to sit in the lobby and chat. Oke, karena gak mungkin gue sebutin nama aslinya, jadi gue kasih dia nama, Bian.

Awalnya cuma ngobrolin tentang buku, sampai akhirnya kita ngobrolin tentang mantan-mantan dia yang tiba-tiba ngehubungin dia.. let's just demonstrate the conversation :

Bian  : "Semalem pas aku lagi gak ngapa-ngapain tiba-tiba ada nomer gak aku kenal nelpon, lho kem!"
Me   : "Oh iya?" (gue langsung mikir, ni anak pasti mau nge-garing)
Bian  : "Iya, tapi gak aku angkat soalnya hape aku gak bisa ngangkat telpon, jadi aku reject"
Me   : "lha..terus?"
Bian  : "Gara-gara kepo, jadinya aku telpon balik, gataunya itu mantan aku, trs dia bilang 'eh sorry sorry, kepencet!' trus udah gitu aku mikir, asa gak masuk akal"
Me   : "gak masuk akal gimana?"
Bian  : "Ya gak masuk akal aja, soalnya nomer ini tuh nomer baru, sedangkan aku terakhir komunikasi sama dia itu sebelum aku punya nomer ini"
Me   : "Bukan gak masuk akal, tapi emang mantan kamu aja yang kepo sm kamu, jadi punya nomer kamu yang sekarang, bisa aja dia nanya ke siapa gitu"
Bian  : "Iya sih.. Dulu juga pas semester 5, ada mantan aku anak ITB yang tiba-tiba nge-dm aku.. awalnya mah cuma nanya-nanya tentang bahasa inggris, eh lama-lama mah jadi kaya ngemodus gitu"
Me   : "Weh.. laku ginilah kamu.. tapi itu teh pas kamu udah jadian sm si Dila?" (Dila is a fake name of his gf)
Bian  : "Udah atuh, da aku sama dia mah udah jadian dari semester 2. terus ada juga mantan aku yang tiba-tiba nanyain pin bbm, padahal aku ga punya pin bbm, jadi aku kasih aja LINE aku, eh dia bilangnya gak punya LINE. Ya udahlah, gataunya gak lama dia nge-LINE aku. niat bangetlah bikin LINE dulu"
Me   : "Sadaplah mantan-mantan kamu, Bi. Maksudnya gini lho, aku ngeliat cewe-cewe jaman sekarang kenapa pada berani-berani banget ngedeketin cowo yang mereka suka duluan. Aku mah sampe sekarang gak pernah berani buat ngedeketin mantan yang masih aku sayang, apalagi cowok yang aku gebet. Gak tau kenapa tapi aku mah suka mikir; as a women ,it is not an appropriate act."
Bian  : "Lhaa? berarti kamu tipikal old-school-women. Cewe tradisional. Tapi iya sih, dari perspektif cowo yaha, kadang kita pengen kalo cewenya duluan yang ngedeketin kita, tapi pas udah kejadian tuh malah yang 'eww.. get off'"
Me   : "See? lagian aku juga mikirnya gini lho.. kalo kita sebagai cewe yang ngedeketin cowo duluan, semisalnya sampe jadian, nanti tuh kadar 'sayang'nya itu timpang, pasti bakal lebih banyak cewe yang sayang. Tapi, kalo cowonya duluan yang ngedeketin kita, it means dia udah suka dan otomatis bakal sayang sama kita, dan gak bakal nyia-nyiain kitalah, da cewe mah gampang ngebuat dia sayang sm suka sama cowo mah. Mainin weh hatinya, mereka tar juga luluh"
Bian  : "Hmm.. iya juga sih.."

Yaaa.. sekiranya itulah percakapan pendek yang bikin gue kepikiran semalem.. Dan ini malah bikin sejenis qualitative research questions :

• Am I too 'old-school-type-women' so that I don't find any guy who likes me? Should I learn how to become so-called 'modern-type-girl'?

• Sebenernya dimata cowo-cowo, in general, mereka suka cewe yang agresif atau pasif?
• Hal pertama yang diliat dari cowo buat suka sama cewe itu apanya? fisiknya, cantiknya, hatinya, atau kepintarannya?

So, anyone can help? menurut kalian, aku salah ga sih ga agresif buat ngedeketin cowo? I really really need your help! Tx~

Hard Cheese March

J'ai fait une mauvaise malédiction sur vous.

You've killed me twice (or maybe more than that but I didn't realize it).
I don't know what makes you like this.
You know I hate rain, somewhat I don't like sunny day too.
So, is it the reason why?


Seems like 'the old me' is back.
The junior high school of me is back.
Panic syndrome is back.
Misanthropy.
Depression.
Nightmare.
Cry.

You do this to me.
You've killed me, I'm dying.
And people start laughing and faking,
about me.

I save my face, pretend that they are not talking me behind.
I masquerade.

You have no idea, you've killed me twice.
March, please don't make the-old-version-of-mine back.
Don't kill me.

2.7.8.0.8

Night post.. sorry for those who read this and don't like my writing.

I feel so mellow tonight, I was listening to Pink's song titled 'Just Give Me a Reason' and it is so me. And also I was listening to M2M's song titled 'The Day You Went Away'.  (hell yeah, this two songs are the reason why I'm so mellow)

I was thinking to myself, why can't I move on? I mean, he (my ex) already has a new girlfriend, while I'm still here looking back at the past time. Remember the first time when we were still in the high school uniform, went to a beach and made an imagination future about us. Remember the time when you came to my house with a flower and a chocolate said that you loved me. Remember the time when your ex-girlfriend hated me like so fucking much. Remember the time when I was 17, you came to my house and singing a song with a guitar and you got almost caught by the security. So many moments that we through it together..

After those lovely moments, we separated without any clear reason. I know it is my fault before, I tell you I'm sorry but you didn't say anything. Are those lovely moments has no meaning for you?

How can I move myself on, when every time I walk into my room, there are some of your gifts?

How can I move myself on, when every time I open my closet, there are a shirt from you?

How can I move myself on, when I see you wore a shirt from me, to do a date with your girlfriend?

How can I move myself on, when I open my wallet, there are still our photos?

I don't know what you feel about me, or anything about us. Every time I try to get closer to any other boys and do a relationship. I can't stop myself to compare him with you.

But I can't do anything anymore, hope you are happy with your girlfriend or happier.

and I should learn to forget you, like you do.

Rose

My love is like a red rose

It may be beautiful now

But my sharp thorns will hurt you

My love is like a red rose

Yes, I may be fragrant

But the closer you get, the more I’ll hurt you

Don’t look at me with that light glance

Don’t speak of love easily

If you want my heart, you need to take my pain too

Because you will be pricked by my thorns someday

Don’t trust me too much

You don’t know me that well yet

So just run away run away

I said ooh ooh ooh

Don’t love me

You don’t know me that well yet

I said run away just run away

Don’t come to me

Seeing your confidence makes me feel so bad for you

Your confident footsteps toward me looks so pitiful today

Emotions? That’s an extravagance to me

Love? That’s Obsession’s best friend

So run away just run away

Cuz you and I must come to an end

Every rose has its thorn

(a song by Lee Hi, Rose , YG Entertainment 2013)

Blind story

Some stories that finally did :

1. Once, the world won't rotate customarily, when you are the spinner of the world.
2. The problem won't stop, when you don't have any resolution of it.
3. Do not call yourself 'a friend of mine', when you are a back-stabber. And stop acting innocently, your act sucks.
4. Does he know that I like him? God, please, please don't make him hates me. I don't like this kind of feeling, I feel like I wanna scream and throw up this butterfly in my stomach every time he looked at me. Dear 'U', why do I crazy about you lately?
5. I feel so tired about this community, I wanna go hiatus for a fucking long time.
6. Dear 'U', I wanna text you, but I don't even know your new number.
7. You are just a fucking sponsorship, who is just HELPING, not RUINING our fucking event.
8. Dear 'U', I don't know what to say.
9. Assignment comes without any break.
10. I'm still catching my dream which is still far away.

My life-story is a blind story. It'll not stop until the last breath. Surviving and Acting are the things that I do to stay alive.